Life.

I started hiding from my blog when the depression started creeping in more. Why I'm so afraid to open up and share when I'm depressed, I don't know. But life gets stressful or I get sad and I withdraw. It seems to be a pattern.  Yesterday, I finally gathered up my nerve and called the doctor to make an appointment. Until then, I'll keep my escapism-through-books up and let DJ help me. He told me yesterday that he's on "Team Stacy" and will help me any way he can. I love that man.

This time, I think it's anxiety more than depression. I have two major stressors right now. First is Ike's school. He has no free time. Home from school, straight to homework, then to football, then back to homework and end up in bed too late. Next morning, he's tired from too little sleep, is cranky and hard to get ready and the cycle just repeats over and over and over. He spends 2 hours a night on homework and it isn't enough, to be honest. Thank God he is such a good sport and a 'do what I'm supposed to do' kind of kid. I hate feeling like the bad guy all the time and I hate that so much of our interactions are school based. It will probably get better when football is over but that's still a month away and I am exhausted now. I just wish I could do more to help him. I wish I could help him connect the dots on reading so that school would be easier for him. Watching your child struggle through something that most people take for granted is so hard.

The second is Ana. She started therapy a few weeks ago because of some diabetes issues. She was becoming obsessed about testing and was checking her blood 20 times a day. Literally. She was testing 12 times at school and it's only 7 hours. I found a therapist that works with children that are living with chronic conditions and we had a good first meeting. She was actually able to give us a plan that eliminated the test compulsion in a day. Unfortunately, she also brought up a lot of Ana's old separation anxiety issues. That same day she was crying about how much she misses me while she's at school. A few days later and she started getting crazy lows. It was a constant stress for me. No matter what I did, she'd end up in the 40s and 50s. One afternoon she had over 70 undosed carbs. SEVENTY. And I had her basals running at 10%. That night she was high and it was confusing. I reviewed all her settings, dropped quite a few and the next day she was worse. With a 1% basal. I was panicking and couldn't figure out how to stop it. And then the nurse called and told me that she'd had another unexplainable number and she checked Ana's pump. Turns out Ana had been lying about every number. She was intentionally pretending to be low to make herself high. Why?!?! What was going on in her head?!?  I left work, headed to school and picked her up then headed to a park to chat. She lied. She denied. She pretended like she had no idea what I was talking about. I finally got through to her and found out her plan. Ana knew that if she threw up, I'd come pick her up. And she knows that if she is really, really high, she throws up. She decided to fake lows to get glucose to spike high to throw up to get me to pick her up. She's seven years old and devised this plan. :(  We addressed this and I truly didn't expect any issues again. This week, her therapist seemed helpful again but Ana is not thrilled about going. In a follow up conversation that night, I learned that she is sad most of the time. *heart breaks*  Now, she does have fun and is a pleasant, happy kid. But then I think about myself and how depression feels and I realize that even on my worst days, no one would guess because on the outside everything is totally normal. And, what's more alarming to me is that her evaluation of herself is that she's sad all the time. Her impression of herself is sadness. I can't even express how sad and worried it makes me.

So that's my life.

Will you be my friend?

Ana came home yesterday with big news - she had made two new friends. She told me all about them and was beyond excited about it.

She's in second grade but is relatively new to school as her only other attempt at school was first semester last year. I think she's the only newbie in her class so a lot of the kids already have friends or are still in that 'play with everyone indiscriminately' stage. She's an old soul and will be one of those people that chooses a few, very dear friends and will be loyal and true to them. She's not the social butterfly type and making friends is a huge deal in her world.

One of her new friends is in her class and I asked how they became friends. Here's her story.

Everybody has to line up when it's time to get ready for the bus and we can talk and stuff when we are standing there. (Girl) was behind me in line and me and her were talking and I said, "Will you be my friend?" and she said, "Yes" so I told her I needed her phone number. She wrote it down and here it is!  And so now we're friends." 

 It's official, people. Ana asked, girl accepted and a friendship is born :)  They sit two desks apart and are in the same pod. I hope that this is the start of a great year for Ana!

I heart books

I am a mad library user. I'm there at least two days a week. I read actual books, listen to books on CD and my iPod and read on my PC and iPod with iBooks and the Kindle app. I go nowhere without a book. If you notice, though, they are all free. ;-)  What can I say...I'm a sucker for free...

Today, though, I actually went to a bookstore. And while I was there, I bought books. Yes, indeedy, people. I have a bag in my car with actual books in it. I did birthday shopping, Christmas shopping and car travel shopping. Plus, I also bought a book for Ike just to encourage him to read. I'm sneaky like that ;-)

Check out my fabulous finds from Border's 50% sale:
Wizardology for Ana. She has admired this book for months. It will arrive at Christmas.
Dragonology for Ike. Loves dragons and the layout of text really works well for him. Also a Christmas gift. 
Cool Mad Libs and Goofy Mad Libs for our next car trip.
Lego Harry Potter board game for Ana's upcoming Harry Potter themed birthday party.
A laminated, folded Rand-McNally map of the US kind of like this one.
A new version of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid DIY book to trick Ike into reading.

I love books. I love sales. It's like the best of both worlds :)

It's so quiet

And I love it!!

Everyone, I am alone. All by myself. DJ is at work and the kids are at school. I took a few days off in case the school needs me for Ana. So here I sit. Doing absolutely nothing. I love the sound of *nothing* because it's so thrilling.

I need to hit the grocery store some time today and I should do a little baking. And I have a stack of books to read. I plan to plant myself on the couch and do absolutely nothing but read or watch TV for at least 4 hours. The thought is positively exhilarating.

I'm glad to be back to my blog after a little hiatus. Vacation...then football started...then Ana had her tonsils/adenoids out...then school prep. Add in my recurrent depression and I just quit going online for awhile. But today...my day filled with luxurious time alone...today is a blogging day :)

And, it might just be bubble bath day. And chocolate chip cookie day. ;-)