Friday, October 7, 2011

Life.

I started hiding from my blog when the depression started creeping in more. Why I'm so afraid to open up and share when I'm depressed, I don't know. But life gets stressful or I get sad and I withdraw. It seems to be a pattern.  Yesterday, I finally gathered up my nerve and called the doctor to make an appointment. Until then, I'll keep my escapism-through-books up and let DJ help me. He told me yesterday that he's on "Team Stacy" and will help me any way he can. I love that man.

This time, I think it's anxiety more than depression. I have two major stressors right now. First is Ike's school. He has no free time. Home from school, straight to homework, then to football, then back to homework and end up in bed too late. Next morning, he's tired from too little sleep, is cranky and hard to get ready and the cycle just repeats over and over and over. He spends 2 hours a night on homework and it isn't enough, to be honest. Thank God he is such a good sport and a 'do what I'm supposed to do' kind of kid. I hate feeling like the bad guy all the time and I hate that so much of our interactions are school based. It will probably get better when football is over but that's still a month away and I am exhausted now. I just wish I could do more to help him. I wish I could help him connect the dots on reading so that school would be easier for him. Watching your child struggle through something that most people take for granted is so hard.

The second is Ana. She started therapy a few weeks ago because of some diabetes issues. She was becoming obsessed about testing and was checking her blood 20 times a day. Literally. She was testing 12 times at school and it's only 7 hours. I found a therapist that works with children that are living with chronic conditions and we had a good first meeting. She was actually able to give us a plan that eliminated the test compulsion in a day. Unfortunately, she also brought up a lot of Ana's old separation anxiety issues. That same day she was crying about how much she misses me while she's at school. A few days later and she started getting crazy lows. It was a constant stress for me. No matter what I did, she'd end up in the 40s and 50s. One afternoon she had over 70 undosed carbs. SEVENTY. And I had her basals running at 10%. That night she was high and it was confusing. I reviewed all her settings, dropped quite a few and the next day she was worse. With a 1% basal. I was panicking and couldn't figure out how to stop it. And then the nurse called and told me that she'd had another unexplainable number and she checked Ana's pump. Turns out Ana had been lying about every number. She was intentionally pretending to be low to make herself high. Why?!?! What was going on in her head?!?  I left work, headed to school and picked her up then headed to a park to chat. She lied. She denied. She pretended like she had no idea what I was talking about. I finally got through to her and found out her plan. Ana knew that if she threw up, I'd come pick her up. And she knows that if she is really, really high, she throws up. She decided to fake lows to get glucose to spike high to throw up to get me to pick her up. She's seven years old and devised this plan. :(  We addressed this and I truly didn't expect any issues again. This week, her therapist seemed helpful again but Ana is not thrilled about going. In a follow up conversation that night, I learned that she is sad most of the time. *heart breaks*  Now, she does have fun and is a pleasant, happy kid. But then I think about myself and how depression feels and I realize that even on my worst days, no one would guess because on the outside everything is totally normal. And, what's more alarming to me is that her evaluation of herself is that she's sad all the time. Her impression of herself is sadness. I can't even express how sad and worried it makes me.

So that's my life.

3 comments:

Scottish Twins said...

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I'm sending lots of prayers up for you and Ana right now.

Thrift Store Mama said...

It was sad to read this, but good to see a post.

I'm going to add one more thing on your shoulders.

I grew up with a mother who I now believe had depression issues from the time I was about 10, my sisters were 8 and 6. My mother would either withdraw from us and tell us she needed some quiet time and lie in her bed and read or she would be irritable and yell a lot. She never saw a therapist, never had medication until a few years ago (when I was about 35, so she went 25 years without help). There would be weeks on end where everything was fine and then it would be awful for weeks. It didn't affect my middle sister and I as much but it greatly affected my youngest sister.

I know it's hard to make an appointment when you're already feeling depressed, but you just have - for yourself, for DJ and for the kids.

I love my mother and am close with her in spite of all these things - but when I recall those parts of my childhood it makes me very, very angry that she was so selfish to not force herself to make a call and get some medication and some counseling.

I am really, really sorry that you are in the depths - it sucks. It's awful. I hope you get pulled out soon.

Blessed said...

Stacy, I read this post before, but did not have a chance to post a response. I am so sorry for these stressers in your life. From my pampered position, it is really easy to look at all the issues and think, "well, homeschooling would clear all of that up." And it might. But you and DJ (is that his name on his blog?) are wise parents who are the only ones who can figure out what is best for your kids and your family as a whole.

I am praying for you too! I have been struggling with a wee bit of depression too, which also accounted for my almost 3 week hiatus from my own blog--but I did not want to go into it all there, so I didn't. Thanks for sharing, though--and please do let us know how things progress, even if it takes weeks until you feel like blogging. : ) We will be here when you do!